Monday, 13 October 2014

Hello stranger.

Hello and thanks for coming back to my little blog full of ramblings and rants! I've missed you all so much, and I'm hoping now things have settled that I'll quickly get back into the swing of blogging.

A lot has happened since my last post in May, more than I could ever imagine! Now I don't want to bore you with every single detail, but this post is an executive summary just to bring you up to date.

Now without wanting to start on a downer, I think it's important to address why the sudden stopping of blogging shenanigans. During May, my mental health started to deteriorate and I became quite unwell. Unfortunately, a combination of personal issues/college/general life stresses/being off of medication, etc, meant that I quickly tumbled into a pit that at the time seemed never ending. I'd also not long had my official diagnosis of Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Emetophobia which I didn't want to accept in some ways. My anxiety was at an all time high and I was also struggling with managing daily tasks. I remember spending many days in my pyjamas and not eating, showering or cleaning much. Days and nights jumbled into one and when I did manage to catch some Zzzz's I suffered with nightmares and often woke up bang in the middle of a panic attack.

Then there was That Day. I can't go in to detail, as I think it would be too triggering for some, maybe even for myself, but in some ways, whilst it was the worst day I've had in years, it was also the turning point. I was ordered to go and live with my mum by my doctor and so off I went to recooperate in the countryside. I turned off my phone, avoided the internet and started different medication. I was also having home visits several times in the week and while sometimes my anger did get the better of me on occasion, I noticed that a combination of this plus the love of family and friends was helping me come back to earth rather than getting lost in my thoughts.

Since then, things have taken a dramatic shift. I've met someone who has turned my life upside - down and given me a new lease of life. He not only supports me, but also knows when to give me a kick up the bum. My family have been incredible - my mum was (and still is) my rock and the reason I got through that particularly bad phase, along with my wonderful sisters, one of which even helped me to dry my hair when I wasn't able to! Even my wider family have been amazingly supportive and patient and I will never be able to tell them just how grateful I am to them all.

I've also started university! Yes, I know, I don't know how I've managed it either and to be honest, I can't quite tell which way it will go quite yet with my mental health but for now it's refreshing to be learning again and having a focus. My partner and I have moved away and we've started this whole new wonderful adventure together. Scary? Oh yes. Exciting? Without a doubt!

At the moment, my move has meant I am in a transition of moving mental health teams which is proving difficult (unsurprisingly). More assessments, more criteria and requirements I have to meet and more people I have to learn to trust all over again.

So what am I doing to stay grounded throughout all of this? Right now, I'm muddling through. I finally seem to be on a medication that works well for me. My support network is something that gets me through even the worst of days. The student support service at university has also proven to be beneficial and I'm even attending a self-esteem workshop which I'm learning a lot from.

And there you have it. It's all a bit higgledy-piggledy and right now, I'm taking each day as it comes as that seems to be the only way to work through it. I'm hoping that blogging again will bring with it the therapeutic relief that it did previously and of course, raise awareness of what it's like to live with mental illness on a day to day basis.

If you're returning to The Hopeful Hummingbird then I can't thank you enough for coming back and continuing with your support. For new readers, this is a hello! Please feel free to get in touch with me. You can contact me through my blog or on Twitter - @LittleKimmyJane.

I'll be posting a few more blogs shortly, especially with this week being OCD Awareness Week, and letting you know how my journey with university is going.

Take care,

The HH -x-

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