Friday, 16 August 2013

What will it take?

This morning, I'm feeling tired. I've not been sleeping properly again, and as we all know too well, lack of sleep just makes everything seem ten times worse than it probably is. I feel so tense my body aches, and I don't know what to do to relax. My head has been pounding, and I'm not one to typically suffer with headaches, so I know it's a sign I'm unwell.

I'm filled with guilt more than anything. I should be over the moon, this should be an exciting time in my life! I'm getting married in just over ten weeks, it's my birthday tomorrow, there's so much I should look forward to, but it feels like a certain part of my head is laughing at me. It knows that I'm failing at everything, I'm not able to organise or sort things out, I can't work, I can't sleep, my stomach hurts, and it loves all of that. It's like it's mocking me, telling me that I don't deserve this happiness, these exciting times. It confuses me and I can't focus or concentrate on anything, I can't commit to anything, and I just end up hating myself more.

Why can't I just be "me"? What IS normal? Will it be like this forever? What sort of example will I be setting for my future children? Have I done something to deserve this? If I have, what can I do to make it right? My head is buzzing with questions constantly, and I've no idea why. I wish I had answers, I wish I could find out why things are the way they are, and why my head works overtime all of the time.

The Man is back constantly now. He's gradually gotten worse, and now he's a permanent part of me, once again. He loves seeing me unhappy. He frightens me so much, I wish more than anything I could show someone how he makes me feel, what he does to me, how much he hurts me. I know I'm making him angry by writing these words, he doesn't like it when I talk about him too much, but what else can I do? Sometimes, I wish I could hear him, just to see what he wants. I'm frightened of being home alone, how ridiculous is that? Being at home I should feel my safest, and yet as soon as my other half walks out the front door, I feel scared. I know he has the reigns, and he'll choose what I can and can't do, just by being around. He owns my home, and he owns my life.

I just want some peace in my head, if only for a few moments. I wish more than anything all these doctors would hear me.