Monday, 26 August 2013

The Inner Workings of an Emetophobic Mind.

"Why is that person holding their stomach? Are they ill? Do they have a bug? Have they just done you-know-what?"

"Don't touch your mouth, don't touch your mouth, don't touch your mouth."

Washing hands: "1 banana, 2 banana, 3 banana, 4 banana... 20 banana - done! And that water was so scorching hot, my hands are red and sting. They're clean!"

"Is it cooked? There's pink there, I swear I can see pink. Do you think it's alright? Oh my God, what if it's not?"

"Have you washed your hands? With soap? And hot water?"

"What's that noise? Is that someone doing the deed?!"

"No I can't eat there. They only have a hygiene rating of 3."

"No I can't eat there. I heard someone got a dodgy tummy from there once."

"Can I not have the salad with that please?"

"Can I have that extra extra extra well done?"

"Is that beef or pork? I can't eat it if it's pork. Are you sure it's beef?"

"Did you wash that before you used it?"

"Has that been on that part of the board? I'm not eating that."

"There's a clump in that rice. Will just shove that to the other side of my plate."

"It's difficult to flush the toilet with your foot when you're wearing heels. Oh well!"

"Yeah I just opened the door handle with my dress. I know it looks weird, but just please stop looking."

"I won't eat the bread from that - God know who's touched it."

"Is that hot enough? Are you sure? It doesn't have steam coming from it. Maybe I'll leave it."

"Okay so I touched that handle, so now I need to remember - no hands near mouth or eyes. Not until hands are clean."

"Where's my sanitiser? WHERE THE HELL IS MY SANITISIER?! I'M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT IT!"

"Oh my God my stomach hurts. Was it because of what I had for lunch? Oh my God I've got food poisoning. This is it isn't it?"

"I feel hot. Do I feel hot to you? I bet I'm coming down with something. Oh God."

"Wait, I just need to grab my Phenergan."

"Are my Phenergan in my bag?"

"No I don't want that sanitiser. I have my own. And yes, it IS different."

"How long has it been now? Okay I think I'm safe."

"When did I last see [insert name here] - they've had a bug. I need to know. When did I last see them?"

"Has anyone at work got a bug, do you know? You don't THINK so?! I need a better answer than that! Are you sure? Really?"

"No I'm okay thanks, I don't want any of the salmon/mackerel/chicken/turkey/sausages/rice/salad."

"Do you mind if I just grab some crisps to put in my own bowl? I know it's odd, I'm just a bit funny with sharing."

"My stomach feels off. Somethings' not right. I think I'm ill. I can't cope with this."

"It's a good job I check the expiry date on everything."

"Didn't you use that to touch the raw stuff? Oh my God, how do you expect me to eat that?!"

"No thanks, I'll do it myself."

"Oh my God, Norovirus is EVERYWHERE. Why do they have to keep talking about it on the news?!"

"I can't wait for the Norovirus vaccine. I'll be first in line. As long as it doesn't make me do it."

"I'm not that hungry actually. Wait. I'm not hungry, I must be ill. Is that my body getting ready to IT?!"

"That water isn't hot enough. I'll do it." -boils kettle-

"I hate Winter. Just so much." 

"It's Summer. Why the hell are bugs still here?!"

"Kids are back to school this week. Can you make sure you wash your hands more please?"

"Did you know that Norovirus is spread in this way/the incubation period is/my hand sanitiser contains this ingredient and this much percentage of it?"

"Mmm... I love the smell of bleach!"