Thursday, 17 January 2013

When the night pulls in, it's pulling me in with it.

Unfortunately the black hole has been dragging me in the past few days. I always feel a bit brighter in the mornings, so thought I should write about this now, while I have a clearer head. I want to share my personal experience of what it's like when you can't seem to pick yourself up and pinpoint what's wrong.

The past few days, after I've got home from work, and I've had my lunch or tea, I've started feeling low and I can feel the depression settling itself in for the rest of my day. I hate that word -depression- and I'm not too sure why but I think of it as such an ugly word. Perhaps it's the stigma associated with it, and the guilt I can sometimes feel when I get classed as having such an illness.

I know that a big part of my stress is our wedding in April. We have just over twelve weeks and we've not even got everything booked or confirmed, and I hate doing half a job of something, I want to book, pay for it, and tick it off the to do list. It irritates me greatly when I can't finish a job I've started, and with our wedding, that seems to be a familiar occurrence. Nothing is 100% paid for really, money is getting extremely tight, and all I want to do is just enjoy and look forward to it now, but I'm struggling to do so. It's amazing really how much pressure planning a wedding can put on you, and whilst it's easy for us all to say 'it's your day, you do whatever YOU want to do' if you have ever planned a wedding, you'll know it's not that simple. Not ever. There's so many people I feel I must keep happy and content, and at the same time, make sure that the day reflects James and me as a couple.

I'm not sure why this is bringing the depression back in though. I'm going to bed feeling terrible. It doesn't help I've had an awful cold and that just puts a rough edge on everything. Whilst the evenings are the worst, waking up in the morning is getting harder. I overslept yesterday for the first time in an awful long time and the thing about having depression means I can't shake the lethargy for the rest of the day, I get annoyed at myself for every little thing I do wrong, or not to the degree of perfection I'd like. I just want to curl up some mornings and sleep, as I feel it would be much nicer than facing the big bad world.

Sometimes, the days are okay. Now I'm back to work, I find this gives me some kind of a focus. But it is another aspect of my life I struggle with sometimes. Now I have moved teams, I don't dread going in,and that is a massive weight off my shoulders, so it's not the people I work with or anything, it's my ability to work. I keep getting brain 'fizzes' where I don't know what I'm doing mid-speech. I completely forget what I have been talking about. This isn't when I get asked a question, this is when I'm ALREADY talking, and the feeling is horrible and so bloody frustrating. I go home feeling deflated. I did so well my first three years at work, and now? I feel like a new person again, except everyone knows me and of course, they'll expect me to do the same work as I did before. I don't blame anyone in the slightest - the frustration comes from myself.

This battle with myself is tiring me. After I get home from work, I just sit. I might cook the tea, but apart from that, I just watch boring television and dry and delete the thoughts of the day. But I never do, I get angry at the slightest thing. There could be a tissue on the floor and it escalates in my head as 'I can't keep this house tidy, I can't do anything, what sort of wife will I be, I'm not a good person, why on earth does James want to be with me, I'm so incapable of anything.' I go to bed feeling worthless, stupid and pathetic for feeling like this. I can't snap myself out of it, and I go to sleep hoping that tomorrow there's a bit of a silver lining on the dark cloud over me.

I don't know what I want to achieve from this post. Perhaps it's for my own therapy - the depression gets it's hands around me and keeps me isolated and I need this post to be an engraving of the bad times, so I can compare it to when I have the good times and know I've made some kind of progress (I hope). I'm feeling very lost at times right now, and I feel guilty for feeling like this, and it's a vicious circle I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Fingers crossed things will pick up soon.