The anxiety has started to kick in today about the telephone appointment I have later with my doctor. The reason I'm worried is because he decides whether I should go back to work or not at the moment.
I'm 50/50 as to what he'll think. He's the first doctor who's ever helped me get the help I need, and quickly. He understands how I'm feeling and seems genuinely concerned. I've heard through the receptionists at the surgery as well that he's really good with mental health problems, and I wouldn't ever beg to differ.
When I first told him about my anxiety, he asked all the general questions... what had I been taking? How long had I been feeling like this? What do I want to do next? But he helped me understand that it was OK to be off work, and it was fine to feel this way. I wasn't abnormal or alone in the process and it was time to start planning on how to get better rather than masking the problem with more tablets.
So why am I nervous today? I'm not sure of the thought of going back to work. I'm nervous as I know a lot of changes have taken place... where will I fit in? I'm going to have so much catching up to do with regards to training, and how will people respond? That's the worst bit - no one talking to you, like you might explode or something if they ask how you are. It doesn't work like that folks, and I don't know how many times I have to say it. I'm still Kim, I'm the same deep down, I'm just not very well right now. Would you act that way if I had been off with a cold? I thought not.
I also feel like I want to do some more to help myself before I concentrate on working full time again. I've enquired about three other self help classes, which I'm really hoping I'll get a place on, so watch this space. I have realised the importance of not losing the momentum of getting better. I'm prepared and understand some days will be bad, and I won't even want to get out of bed. But if I just brush it off and say 'I'm all better now!' like I have done before, I'm never going to be able to control this.